this is going to be the last time...

I told myself that I will try my best not to think about you anymore. I won't be writing about you anymore. I won't send you messages nor will I try to start a conversation. I will not think about you anymore.

Korea was a good escape actually. Here, I found out that there is still more to see and explore. Much more people to meet. In fact, I haven't thought of you for the past 5 months.

But then, our homework reminded me of you again...  "기억에 남는 선물"...and in that instant, your gift came to mind....

Yes, your gift still is the most memorable for me. It was the first piece of jewelry I received from another person except my parents or family. I am itching to write about this gift but I'd rather not. I don't want to revive the feelings or remind myself how much you made me feel loved. 

Yes, those three years of being in the gray area was both great and heartbreaking. 

It was great because it was the first time I went on a "date"...fine, first time I went out with a guy friend with only the two of you together. It was the first time I felt really "kilig" everytime you would look at my eyes.It was the first time I felt like I belonged to a couple.

It was heartbreaking because I never really knew if we were an "us" or a "you and I". It was heartbreaking because you never said you loved me or liked me but you acted that you did. It was heartbreaking because I didn't know where I was supposed to be. 

The three years passed by so fast and yes, they were full of memories. First dance. First gift. First movie date. A lot of firsts. But then, maybe I did get tired too. 

I got tired of waiting for you to confess to me. I know your actions might have said enough but then, without any verbal reassurance, I wouldn't believe. I got tired of holding on. I got tired of boxing myself in the "us" image. 

But yeah, than you for all the good and bad times during those three years. It will forever be in my heart. 

And yes, when I return home, I honestly don't know how to respond to our friends who will definitely ask about "you and me". I also wouldn't know how to act around you. Honestly now, I'm hoping that we won't be seeing each other on my first Sunday back home. Honestly, I ain't ready to see you yet. Not now that I've declared to myself that I've moved on. 

Nope, I won't be deleting this blogpost anymore, I swear. Even if I will be able to read this over and over again, I am prepared to read this again. 

And yes, I really do hope that this will be the last time I will be writing about you.   

960 minutes

All I hear right now is the sound of raindrops falling on my window and my typing...

As I listened closely, I could hear one more thing...

Stolen glances. 

When I'm really tired,down and stressed, I want to see your smile. Because seeing it makes me feel that everything will be worth it in the end. 

But sometimes seeing you could be heartbreaking just because I know that I am just your "good friend." That we can never be what I wished to be.

Our world right now is too small. I get to see you at least four times a week and talk to you at least once a week. 

I know you're not stupid. I know you know that I like you THAT way.

Sometimes I regret telling you. Sometimes I think this was the only way to go. 

I purposely glance at you during class hours...more than you know. I can't help it. Just seeing your eyes even in side view makes me feel like my day is complete. 

And sometimes I catch you looking my way too. I don't want to think of it that way but I can't help it. 

We're too much alike. We're loners. We like going out on our own. We are both quiet when around most people and only open up only within our circle. 

Today, we walked out of the classroom together. We walked down the stairs together. You could have gone first but you waited for me. 

It was raining. We both didn't have our umbrellas. I had a hoodie on so I can walk even if it was raining. You were wearing a trench coat today so you had no choice but to get wet. 

I offered to lend you my scarf because it was big enough to cover your head. You turned down my offer because you said I should use it so that I wouldn't get sick. 

You used our book to cover your head. You told me to walk faster. I told you I can't. I asked you go ahead because I didn't want you to get sick. But you waited for me. 

"예뻐요." 

I heard you say it again after a very long time. And you said it looking straight into my eyes. Then I heard your hearty laugh again. 

Hearing that simple phrase and hearing your hearty laugh made me want to freeze time. It made my heart skip a beat. 

I really wished we could have stayed under the rain a little bit longer. Because it was one of the few times that you were the real you and I was the real me. It was one of the few moments when we feel that special connection between us.I swear it was priceless. 

And if this is what they call love, then I am in love with you after all. I can say that you are and will always be my first love.

...and right now, as the rain is slowly coming to an end, I realized what I was hearing all along....

...it was my heart skipping a beat just because I am thinking of you. 

스트레스가 쌓아요.

Today I just realized how jampacked my schedule is. I posted this picture in Facebook and realized I barely have time to rest. I have three classes, I have work for my allowance, and I have a review class for next year's TOPIK. I only get to sleep "enough" during Saturdays and I go to church every Sunday so I don't have time for rest on Sundays too.

I'm not complaining. I just realized how many things I get to do in a day. So many that's the reason I find myself easily tired and sleepy in class.

But I know, everything will soon pay off. I WILL pass TOPIK this January. I WILL have the time of my life in my remaining three months here in Korea. I WILL get good grades. I WILL have the time of my life.

Back to reviewing now, I just wanted to take a break for a while. =)

done. I can finally go home now

First off, I know it's been a month again since I last updated this. It's just that whenever I decide to write something, I put it off because I have other things to do.

Well, this month, I promised myself I'd write more. Then I'll keep on writing.I just hope I'll do it faithfully this time.

So what have I been up to the last month? It's been one hell of a rollercoaster for me I could say.
My teacher complimented me last month. That I spoke Korean well...that I even sounded like one already. So that made me smile. =)

And yes, last month, he made me cry and smile. He mad me cry because he said he only saw me as his younger sister. But then, he also made me smile at the simple things he did to me everyday. (Yes, I like him that much...I guess)

So that's not the whole point. The whole point is this, somehow, I guess I made him know that I like him THAT way. I mean, this time, I didn't run nor did I  go "offline" to avoid his answer. This time, I did somehow say it to him in person...somehow, I guess....

So this is how it went. His birthday was last October 27. I had a gift for him but I didn't really now how to give it. So, I put it off a couple of days later. But I did greet him a happy birthday on his birthday...at exactly 12am.

Oh wanna know what my gift was? Here's a picture of it:

Yes, that's my eyes up there. hahaha. and yes, Those are paper cranes...how many?1,000.

So yeah, I'm supposed to tell you how I managed to give him the gift right? Okay.
So Nov.1st, I decided I'd finally give it to him. Dinnertime. We were eating on the same table. When I got the chance, I asked him if he had time tonight. He asked why and what do I want to do. I told him I just wanted to give him his gift. He insisted that his birthday was over BUT I insisted that I had to give it to him.

Because I had evening classes, I had more time to think about how I would give it. Likewise, I had more time to be nervous about it. I really didn't listen to our class during that time mainly because the class was boring and also I couldn't concentrate.

After classes, I went back to the dormitory. Talked to mama and decided I'd send him a message at around 10pm. The 10pm moved until around 11pm. I sent him a message and he was calling me. I didn't answer it because I was dead scared.  I didn't know what to tell him. He called me twice and I purposely didn't answer it. Then he said he was busy. So I replied that I'm sorry I didn't hear my phone ring and said I'll just see him tomorrow. Then he was calling again. Again, I didn't answer  because I can't calm myself. So, I missed his call again. I was talking to Jayson, explaining to him the situation. He told me to calm myself first before talking to him. So when I already calmed myself, he decided to message me in QQ. I told him I was just about to call him. So we were talking in QQ, then he called. He said he was going down the dorm and see you in a while. So I said,okay. I was preparing the paper bag and he sent me a message in QQ saying, I received the call. HAHAHA.

When I went down, he was already in front of the dormitory. He was just wearing slippers so I thought he was cold. He said he was a bit cold but it was okay. Then I told him that we go in front of the canteen, where there were no people. When we were there, I handed him the gift. He didn't want to take it because he thought it was expensive, because the box was big.(The only thing a bit pricey was the slice of cake, btw) So I opened it and gave the cake first. He said thank you and sorry for not having a big party. Next, I handed him the "card" (which the only thing written was 생일 축하해요 오빠!ㅋㅋㅋ). Then, he didn't want to take the box because he really thought it was expensive. So I opened it, (even if I know Chinese don't open gifts in front of the giver) and when he saw it, he was so surprised. I can see how happy or rather, touched he was so I was happy. Even if he didn't feel the EXACT same way, at least I know, I made him smile and happy. I think he still couldn't believe someone exerted that much effort to give him that gift. He kept touching the paper cranes as if he didn't believe it was true. He asked how many it was, and I told him it was 1,000. He was surprised. So he told, "고마워요. 진짜 고마워요."(Thank you. Really thank you.) But then he asked me why I was giving him this gift. That point, I didn't know what to say. I mean, I wanted to tell him the truth but I was afraid he'd just shut me down. So I told him that I really find him as a really kind friend and that he is like a really good " 오빠" (big brother) to me.And I told him I liked his personality.  We were walking back to the dorm and he still kept on saying thank you. And then we said goodnight and see you tomorrow.

I know. I shouldn't have lied. I should have told him I gave him a gift because I liked him. But I was scared that I'd complicate things. I mean, I wouldn't want to risk our friendship. And honestly, for the first time, I can say that I'm happy just seeing the person I like happy. Maybe if you also saw his teary eyes, his unimaginable smile, and unexplainable expression, you could really say that he was touched with my gesture. And, for the first time, I didn't want an "I like you too." as an answer. Seeing him happy made me happy as well.

This is the first time I did something this grand for a guy. And I don't regret that it was him I chose to take this risk. He may not like me the same way that I like him now. But this I can say honestly, I really don't mind. Because  at least, I know, during that one day, November 1,2011, I made him feel important. And I know, he will never forget me.

And yes, now, I'm okay with being your "great friend." 고마워요 안동 오빠!^^ 먼저, 너 때문에 한국어를 열심히하겠어요. 또 너 덕분에 사랑을 뜻이 알고 다시 믿어요. ^^