setting things right

Tomorrow will be my last enrollment as a UP student. And with that thought in mind, I have a lot of things going on in my mind.

For the past few months, I've been letting my heart take control of me. I've been letting my heart rule over my mind. And sadly, I think it's been doing me bad.

I have to get my priorities back in line. Acads, Church Service, Family, Friends.

I would be lying if I tell you that having a relationship doesn't cross my mind. It does. It crosses my mind more than you can imagine. With me being already 21 and my parents asking me if I have a boyfriend already, it would definitely be in my mind almost all the time.

But then, I can't balance everything well just yet. I mean I will surely slack off in one of these aspects if my lovelife suddenly come into existence.

So there,I'll probably be just putting that on hold for a while. That aspect will definitely wait anyway. =)

So there, I will start setting and making things right again.

I know You won't leave me. You'll tell me when it is my time already. =)

and after 4 years...I realize it's still you

As I'm writing this blog, it's been exactly four years.

It's been exactly four years since we first "went out". It's been exactly four years since you made me believe that I can love.

But in that 4 years I could say that everything wasn't easy. There were times that I wanted to give up already because you didn't seem to care. There were times when I wanted to ask you point-blank kung ano ba tayo kahit alam kong wala akong karapatan. There were times na I despised you and times that I loved you. May times din kinikilig ako ng bongga at may times na naiirita na ako.

I went away for an exchange program. I've had crushes in between and even had an "official" one just recently. Kala ko sapat na ang isang taon na malayo ako sa iyo para marealize kong wala na talaga.

But after all this time...after all these years...after all the tears...I still realize that it is STILL you.

thank you.

Right now, I'm going through a really tough time. For the nth time, I've had my heart broken. And what hurts the most is that everything juts seemed to be a play for you. But that's not the whole point of this blog. I just want to write about how awesome and blessed I am to have such good friends.

I'm so lucky to have friends who would honestly tell me everything. They would not think twice of telling me that I was wrong or I rushed into things or I was too forgiving.

Yet, they are kind enough to give me hug, lend me an ear whenever I talked. They make me realize that what I am going through is normal...and this happens to everyone at one point in their lives.

This time, I will take my time. And I know, once I find that perfect guy and at the right situation and circumstances, you guys will be the first one to be happy for me. ^^

With friends like these, what more can I ask for, right? ^^ 

because it's almost been two months...

okay, so a lot has happened since the last time I blogged.

breaking up.getting back together.falling in love again. falling out of love. on the rocks.

well, that pretty much summarizes what's happening right now. I don't want to discuss it any further. but yeah, I am stressed out right now and I just want to get that sweet, sweet freedom.

adding salt to the injury, I'm messing up my academics big time. I failed my sociology exam big time...and I just can't get over it.

but I know right now why all of this has been happening. I haven't been giving my 100% already. I know I can do better.

I will not give up yet. There's still the half of the semester to catch up. And I have to just get my focus and life  back on track.

Sorry Papa God. I know I've been very busy and "excuseful" lately. But now, I will start living with no complaints anymore. Sorry and thank You for this wake-up call.

motivated more than ever. thank you for making me get back on my senses.

it was a risk worth taken

Maybe, when it comes to love, I just got to keep my heart guarded for a little more time. =)

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I've lived on the idea of happily ever afters, fairytales, prince charming and forevers mainly because my parents have always made me believe so.

And many times, I've been disappointed and hurt. I've hoped. I've loved and lost. And as time passes by, it hurts more and more.


I started believing people when they started telling me that I was unfortunate in love because I was successful in my academics (or at least I'm getting by.). It even came to the point that I wanted to ditch my academics already just because I wanted to find a love life because everyone else seem to have found one already.HAHA


Recently, I was able to  talk to a good friend of mine. She told me, maybe I wasn't really looking for love. Maybe I wasn't looking for it because I am already receiving much love from the people around me. She made realize how much my parents loved me, how much my brothers were willing to protect me, how much love my friends were giving me, and most importantly how much love He was giving me.


Likewise, after my self-reflection. I realized I still have to much baggage in me. I still do not love myself 100%, I still am continuously searching for Him, and maybe, I still have that emotional baggage within me.


I just need some more time alone. I just need to learn to love myself a little more. I just need to be alone for a little while. I need to re examine my priorities in life.


And even if I am 21 already, I am not really in a rush. I mean, I have the whole world to explore yet. And when that time and person finally comes, I will be ready for him and will welcome him in my life...100%. And he will be ready for me too. Because we have waited and prepared ourselves for the one the He has prepared for us.

But still, thank you for the 75 days that you made me feel loved, cared for and valued. Thank you for making me believe again and realize that I am still a person worthy to be loved. I will never forget you...and I will forever be thankful to you. Maybe, someday. =)

all things new. =)

My last post was a few weeks before summer classes ended. So yeah, I have to update a lot.

Summer was a blast. I didn't get to out of town much but I did had the time of my life in school. It was a great summer experience...I met new friends, found a new family, and yes, I realized that I do really love what I am doing. And yes, even if I wasn't able to take a dip outside, it was a summer well-spent after all.

The first semester has already "started". And my schedule for this semester sucks. haha. I have 6 hour breaks on Wednesdays and Fridays and 4 hour breaks on Tuesday and Thursday. Aside from this, I am taking all major subjects, which makes it more burdensome. haha. Also, I am learning a new language, (Japanese) which I hope wouldn't mess up with my Korean. haha

I am still doing church volunteer works on Sundays. It's already part of my system and I couldn't help but long for it even if I am all stressed and tired form school. haha. I love this work. And I will do it as much as I could.

I could say I am pretty much a whole new person this year than who I was this time last year. I was lost and confused at this time last year, I guess. But this year, I realized I have to get things done. I have to work my best for the things I want to achieve. I have to make the most of my last year in college by enjoying and working hard at the same time.

I could say I am contented with what I have right now. I have a group of awesome friends. I have a family who loves and cares for me. I have found a new source and inspiration and motivation. I have renewed my faith. I am perfectly happy.

I must keep my life on track for this final year. I have to get things done and prepare myself. See you soon Real World. =)

all better

It's almost been a month since my last blog post. And if I owe anyone, except myself, an update, I'm all better now. I'm recovering. Thanks to you. <3

Ifugao was a blast. I'm too lazy to blog about it. But I will. soon...maybe after summer classes.

April had so much for me. Fieldwork. New found friends. Back to church work. A forehead kiss.

okay, I better get back to reading now. =)))

time off

There's too much going on in my life right now. How can I say it's too much? I came to the point of already not knowing what date it is and mixing up everybody's birthday. So what's been going on? 

First off, my heart's broken. Yes, you read it right. My heart's currently not okay. I've been trying, sacrificing and doing whatever I could just to make things work.Everything was okay then...everything was just so sudden.  But then, I am still not giving up on love. I guess He's just too busy writing everyone else's love story.  I guess He's still searching for my match as well. Maybe He thinks I still need to explore the world more. And maybe He thinks, I just need a little more time for me to love myself.

Second, I think my MA dreams would be on hold...I hope only for a while. I've been telling myself the lowest educational degree I would settle for would be an MA. But then, things don't seem to be on my side. Not bragging, but I know I have enough skills for me to get that scholarship. But practicality wise, time isn't in my hands. Reality check: I will be graduating at 22. If I get KGSP,I will graduate at 25. I want to get married at 27, the latest 28. If I follow my dreams, I will only be working for at least 2 years...that is IF I get a job right after I graduate. Let's face it, with the way things are going, working for ONLY just two years wouldn't get me enough experience nor enough money. So I guess I have to temporarily forget my MA dreams and just hope to get a nice, good-paying, and most of all enjoyable job once I graduate. Oh, and I have to take my parents around Philippines and buy my own place by the age of the 25. So I guess, that really means, bye bye MA.  

Third, I am on my final year in UP. Final year= stress, pressure, thesis, diet, career, future...and everything that goes along with it.Likewise, I am really pressured to graduate already because I feel so left behind by my closest friends. I mean, they are all working now, which makes me envious and out of place. 

So, too much things going on. I just need some time off. REALLY. I guess I really have to sort out my priorities and get my life back in order. 

just as it is

Yes, THAT aspect of my life is starting to fall apart. 

For one day, I felt like it was the end of the world. I couldn't say that I have recovered 100% already. I am still hurting. It is the first after all. I am still sad. BUT...

I am not going to give up just yet. I am not going to let this get in the way of me achieving my dreams and going back to my second home. 

I just realized that life really is about give and take. I lost but found a new source of motivation. 

Thank you Papa God for making me realize this. I promise to work harder and give 500...no, 1000% of my abilities in my last three semesters in UP. 

But yes, I am still not giving up on THAT aspect. I may be unlucky now, but I know, He will never let me fail in THAT aspect. And maybe, just maybe, it just wasn't our time just yet. =) 

Thank you Papa God! I am accepting my life, right now, just as it is. =) 

I'll get by...eventually.

Take me back when...

"pain" =getting a booboo
"heartbreak"=my candies being stolen by my playmate"
"love"=an icky feeling.

Take me back when...

...all that mattered was me getting enough sleep.
...all I cared about was playing all afternoon long.
...family were the only people I cried for.
...stomachaches and toothaches were the worst pain I could imagine.
... all I needed to do was to hug my stuff toys and I'll get better.
...I cry because I was getting an injection.
...I was scared because there might be monsters in my bed.
...my heart was pounding because I was going to deliver a speech in class.
...I heard songs and the lyrics meant nothing to me.

Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to grow up just yet.

I just want to release this.

I heard that you and her are being extremely close.

I know even before that you two were close.Yes, my heart felt a pinch of jealousy but it eventually became okay. We were living in the same country. Assurances were easier made.

But everything now is different. I'm just scared that the saying "out of sight, out of mind" will be true for us.

And yes, right now, I am really jealous. You and her are closer now...physically, and maybe emotionally as well. I know I shouldn't be. She has someone special. And I believe she just thinks of you as a friend. And I think she's also aware.

I just need to talk to you again. Call me a fool, but all I need to read is your sweet talk. Just one statement. Just one answer for my question. Just one assurance. I'll be okay.

And I hate the fact that even if  you're a couple of miles and bodies of water away from you, you're affecting me so much.

This day just seems to be a bad day for me. A while ago, I was in tears and I didn't really know why. I guess I am stressed about going back to university. At the same time, I miss every scent, every corner, every thing about Korea. Then I knew of this.

I am hating this situation right now. But at the same time, I wouldn't give this up...as long as there's still that 0.001% probability, I won't give up this fight.  

good morning-ish. =)))))

yey! I won't be blogging much. The picture says it all anyway. =)
This just made my day today. <3
Thank you!

you just have that way of turning things around

Day started out ordinarily. I went to church today to attend Lenten Recollection since it's that time of the year again. =)

I kept talking about you to my best friend. I kept telling him how mush you have made me loved and how happy I am whenever I was with you. I kept talking how excited and nervous I was if ever you would visit me here.

When I came home, I wasn't really expecting anything. But then, when I logged on in QQ, this is what I saw:

HAHA. *tumbling* He was asking who I was missing. hahaha. I didn't know if he was just bragging his better English skills or just wanted everyone else to know. hahaha.

Then we started talking in QQ. It was a good feeling. It was fun mainly because he was speaking to me in English...which he never did before. hahaha. I am not going to post all of our conversation here. I just did a printscreen of 6 parts of our conversation. hahaha.

Print Screen part1:

So I asked him if it wasn't troublesome for him to speak with me in English. When I was still in Korea, he would always tell me that English is 힘들다. I didn't want him to have a hard time expressing himself so I asked him if it was okay. I was surprised that he answered that he did want to speak in English. haha.

It meant a lot to me. It just feels "kilig" when a person exerts effort especially when you know it takes a lot for him to do it. <3 Thank you.

Print Screen part 2:

He asked me what I was doing. I said I was just watching TV and listening to music. I also mentioned that I will go back to school in April. He thought I was going back to Korea. And I said, no, here in Philippines. and he put a =(

It was so touching of him to send me that emoticon. I know it doesn't mean a lot but for me it does. I feel that he is really sincere in everything that he tells me. =)

Print Screen part 3:

"I don't call you grandfather anymore. I call you oppa"

and he sends this heart-in-the-eyes smiley. followed bu: wow, good

I know he loves emoticons...and English isn't really his language but this emoticon means a lot right? well, he wouldn't send it just because he wanted to, right? hahaha.

Print Screen part 4:

He suddenly asks me what I was doing. Then follows it with: "you are missing me now?" and being the straightforward girl that I am (which he likes anyway.=P) I answered yes.

then he sends me again the heart-in-the-eyes emoticon. sheesh. hahaha

Print screen part 5:

Then he says, "My best friend, I miss you too!"
1) it's a good feeling to be the best friend of the person you like...er, love.

Then suddenly he says:  " I want to go to your home and see you...today night"

my heart went 두근두근...seriously, IT DID! haha

I was surprised that he was able to say that. he wasn't really that kind of guy...I mean, he makes you feel that he cares for you and that you are special...but it wasn't really his "moves" to "make lambing/pacute" hahaha. so it really took me a while to internalize what he said. hahaha.

And finally, print screen part 6:

And yes, it was so nice of him to ask me to talk with him tomorrow. =)

It was just a nice feeling. It was as if we were starting to get to know each other.





I can't wait to go to Ilocos already. I bet we'll have internet connection there anyway. Finally, I can see him in the video again and he can see me as well.

Thank you for making tonight complete. I can sleep well again with all your reassurances.
I miss you! <3

break away

Ever since coming back, I've been missing everything back there in Korea. I miss freedom. I miss privacy. I miss safety. I miss independence.

I know I should be happy that I'm back home. People have always said that nothing beats home anyway. But suddenly, I'm not feeling at home here in our own house.

For one year, I lived alone. I made decisions all for myself. I would be a hypocrite if I said that I enjoyed this 100%. Because for the first three months, I've missed home so much.

I thought going back here would mean that my parents would trust me more just because I was able to live alone for one year. But then, the contrary happened.

It's always my fault. I'm always the proud one. I'm always wrong.

I just want to get over this year. I want to go away again. I want to break free. I missed home but this...is...just...too...much.It's suffocating already.

I just want to get this over with. Take me back already, Korea...or just any place far away from here.

never failing

So I've been missing you a lot. And gladly, last Monday, I was able to see you again. <3

So our common friend sent me a message in Skype. I thought it was an ordinary hi hello message so I replied immediately. Then he told me that you wanted to say hi. So I replied a hi as well. Then our friend told me that you wanted to see me. So it took a couple of minutes for me to call you in Skype. (I even transferred to the other room.)

So it was our friend who first appeared in the video. I was relieved for a while. Then you suddenly came near the video. The first thing that you said? "Nichelle, I miss you!" Then our friend left us alone. Then you said again, "I miss you!" And you kept talking in English but I really couldn't remember everything juts because I was too "kilig" because you kept saying "I miss you!" The one sentence I could remember was when you couldn't hear me. You said, "I can't hear you. Can you hear my 소리?" And I was laughing so hard because you mixed up English and Korean.

Then out of the blue, you asked, "Can I look you?"(Of course, I am not editing this since this is how you said it.=P) I asked why and your answer? Can you guess? Yes, "...because I miss you." =)))) Then you finally gave up speaking in English. (I think you were having a hard time already. =P)

Then, the most memorable part of our conversation happened: (I shall be writing in Korean but I will write a translation as well. wala kasi yung "kilig" factor kapag hindi Korean eh. hahaha)


N: 오빠, 방학때 어때?  (How was your vacation?)
A: 재미있어. 가배랑 놀았어! (Interesting. I "played" with Jiabei and other friends)
N: 네...알어...사진 봤어... (I know...I saw the pictures.)
A: 사진 봤어? (You saw our pictures?)
N: 응...부러워...진짜.... (Yes...I am envious...really)
A: 부러워? ...그럼 같이 가!(Envious?...then let's go together!)
N: 어떻게? 지금 내가 필리핀 있어... (How? I am in Philippines now.)
A: 이렇 와! 빨리 와! ㅎㅎㅎ( Come here! Come here now! hahaha)
N: 어떻게? 제가 돈이 없어요. (How? I don't have money.)
A: 뭐가 없어요?  (What don't you have?)
N: 돈...돈이 없어... (Money...I don't have money)
A: 그러면...내가...필리핀 가요...어때?  (Then...How about I...go to the Philippines?)
N: 뭐라고요? (What did you say?)
A: 내가 필리핀 가요...어때? (How about I will go to Philippines?)
N: 좋아! 진짜 좋아. (Good. That's really good!)
A: 그럼, 내가 필리핀 가요. ^^  (Then, I will go to the Philippines.)

Deep inside I want to doubt. But then, so far, whatever you said to me, you always make a way for it to happen. And yes, I do trust you...so I believe you.

I really don't know when but whenever it may be, it shall just happen. I hope it would be soon but I am not rushing it.

Everything will happen when it's ought to be. As of now, I'll just be here, patiently waiting for you.
And yes, thank you for never failing to make me smile.

completely

I know, I'm not supposed to write about you anymore, but yeah, I need to post this. 

Today was the first time I saw you since I came home. I've been preparing myself when this happens. But today, I was totally caught unexpectedly. I've been thinking to myself that I will act normal when I see you. 

But then, you greeted me. I didn't expect it. And honestly, when I saw you, I asked myself, "Where did the feelings during those three long years go?" And then I realized, I just really moved on already. 

But then, I have to make everything clear to you. I mean, I don't want to keep your hopes up. I don't also want to keep on giving you signs that an "us" could still be possible. But yeah, I do still want to keep the friendship, we are friends after all. I just don't know how to make things clear to you. If I start avoiding you, you may just take it as my normal reaction to you. If I start being all friendly, you may take it as a "I still like you" sign. Why does this have to be so complicated?

One thing is INDEED for sure. This time, I am 200% sure that I've moved on. I am being totally unfair if I settle for someone just because he's the one nearby. I know how difficult the situation would be, but as I said, I am completely ready to take risks and whatever just for the one who really made me feel loved, valued and important. 

To that one person, I miss you more than you could imagine. I know I keep on telling you "I miss you" and you may juts take is as my routine speech to you but I really mean it. I know everything will be difficult, but I still believe everything will be worth it in the end. 

I miss you. I can't wait to see you again.  

Take me back to Korea...

I've been home for almost a week now.And somehow, I miss Korea so much that it breaks my heart already.

anyway, my last post was before my birthday.

So...
yeah, my birthday went well. I mean, nothing grand but all the well-wishes made me really happy. Simple, fun...

Then, I started packing my stuff already. And the next thing I know, I'm back home.

Yes, leaving Korea made me cry a lot. But then, a friend told me that if I cry a lot, that's a good thing...it means that place means a lot to me. So yeah, Korea means a lot to me. I mean, it's the place where I learned to be independent. It's the place where I learned to live life with "no holding back". And yes, it's the place where I learned to take risks and fall in love.hahaha

Right now, I want to go back to Korea. I miss the late nights noraebangs...I miss the late night walks...I miss the late night hanging out...I miss going out not being worried of my safety...I miss the dormitory...I miss privacy...I miss freedom...I miss fast internet...I miss pojamaja...and most of all, I miss the places that remind me of me and you. <3

I see pictures of you...and I see that you're enjoying vacation well. I'm happy for you and I know it's what you wanted. And now, it breaks my heart to realize that you will be coming back to Korea and I won't be there anymore to say good morning or take care to you...I won't be there to annoy you...I won't be there to make you smile.

I am still holding on to your every word. I am still wishing that you won't break your promises. I miss you more and more...maybe even more than you can imagine...And yes, I am falling and falling even more.

home. =/

I want to go home.

I need a hug from mama and papa and reassure myself that I gave everything that I could do.

I need a hug from kuya and pao and hear them telling me that I did a good job.

I just want their hugs for my birthday.

I know I wanted to celebrate my birthday here. But I don't know why I am suddenly feeling this way.

I just want to go home and rest.

I just want to feel loved and wanted again.

I just want to get away from everything that tends to remind me of you.

I just want to break away.

tomorrow's the day! =/

I'm taking a break from reviewing now because Tel told me to. I don't really know if I am prepared already for tomorrow's exam but I am thinking of it that way. I mean, I've been reviewing since November but I just think that time isn't enough.

But tomorrow is my make or break day. If I pass, it will be easier to go back here to Korea.no, erase that....I WILL PASS AND I WILL COME BACK TO KOREA.

I have never really been a believer of positive thinking but, yeah, I have always believed in the power of the mind.

So yeah, I'll throw all my worries now. I'll sleep early tonight. Pray that everything will go well tomorrow. Believe in myself.

My parents have always taught me that giving your best and believing that you'll succeed will make things happen.

I WILL PASS TOMORROW. =)

first for 2012

yeah, I know. I've been slacking off lately. But please forgive me, I have a lot in my plate right now. I am juggling four hours of Korean class everyday, two hours of work in the international center everyday, reviewing for TOPIK this 29th, and packing my things because I'm coming home.

So it's a new year. Some say, this year the world will end, but yeah, I don't really believe in this kind of things. It's not really my habit to make New Year's resolution. But there's always going to be a first time, right? So I am going to make this year. And yeah, I am just going to write down whatever comes to my mind, so I guess my planner is going to be much more updated than this entry.

• Lose weight or at least get healthy- Honestly, the main reason why I want to do this is because I am tired of people telling me that, "You're pretty but you're just chubby." And yeah, reality check, even if people keep on saying that it's the inside that counts, looks still count. Aside from this, I am honestly scared of my body condition. Coming from a family where both sides are prone to diabetes and heart problems, I better start getting healthy now than regretting in the future. Also, I want to look my best in my graduation picture. hahaha. Also, one year from now, I will either be working or studying abroad, which means I have to look my best. So yeah, I promise to keep and make at least this resolution work. 
• Study harder and with more passion-One thing I learned here in Korea is that hardwork and diligence definitely goes a long way. I don't intend to brag, but I know that ever since first year college, I've been staying on the mediocre zone. I mean, I know I could do better but I don't try to. But this academic year, everything's different. I am going to be graduating by 2013 so I know I have to work my ass off this academic year. So yeah, I'm keeping my hopes up for this. I just wish I won't lose the enthusiasm on studying. 
• Continue and "pay" for my one year of absence in the Shrine-Serving has always been part of my life. and last year, I missed almost the whole year. So right now, I promise myself that even if I would be very busy and hectic in school, I would definitely make time for it. 
• Save up!-I've been wanting to buy myself an SLR, and I wasn't able to buy one here in Korea. So I really regret that. But yeah, with the way I'm spending here, I won't be able to save enough for it before I go home. But no worries, I still have time anyway. After graduation, everything will be easier. (I hope) 
• Manage my time well- I know this resolution is such a cliche, but yeah, I really want to do this. Because honestly, when I know that I still have time, I slack off until the last minute. So yeah, I have to learn to allot time for everything and anything.
• Cut out on my internet time- My internet addiction is serious mainly because I get backaches from spending too much time in front of the laptop. But who can blame me,my major is concerned with writing academic papers, so yeah, I have no choice. What I mean is that I have to cut on my internet time on social networking sites. 
• Spend more time with my family- I know that I've been spending and spending less time with them. I mean, I stay in the boarding house for 5 days a week which leaves me with 2 days. Then most of the time, I go out during the weekends because of church work. And when I get home, I just eat dinner, face the computer and sleep. I hardly talk to my parents anymore. I mean, talk-talk, like how my life is going. So this year, I am going to do that. 
• Be more patient with Lola- Being away from home made me realize how much my lola means to me. When I pray, I just pray that when I go home,she would still be there. I know how irritating, annoying, and slow my lola can get, but we have to accept the fact that she might not be here for too long anymore, so I better leave her with good memories of me and that I should just take care of her as much as I could.
• Be less mataray with Kuya-I realized how much my kuya loves me so I better start being less mataray to him. Add to that, I have to make him feel that I really do love him. 
• Be more conscious with my appearance-I know, this is such a lame resolution, but I really want to do this. I mean I go to school as if I don't care about how I look. It's not that I should dress up everyday, but at least try to be presentable. 
• Organize- I bought this cute little, pink planner and decided to make the most use of it just like my 2011 planner. My planner is not only my planner but also my diary. So yeah, I better make good use of it. 
• Be responsible "enough"-with the word "enough" being said, that explains it all. 

So yeah, that's about it. My hand is aching right now from all this typring. I better start working on my bucket list and more resolutions on a piece of paper. It's much, much more convenient for me. 

Have a great 2012 everyone!