this is going to be the last time...

I told myself that I will try my best not to think about you anymore. I won't be writing about you anymore. I won't send you messages nor will I try to start a conversation. I will not think about you anymore.

Korea was a good escape actually. Here, I found out that there is still more to see and explore. Much more people to meet. In fact, I haven't thought of you for the past 5 months.

But then, our homework reminded me of you again...  "기억에 남는 선물"...and in that instant, your gift came to mind....

Yes, your gift still is the most memorable for me. It was the first piece of jewelry I received from another person except my parents or family. I am itching to write about this gift but I'd rather not. I don't want to revive the feelings or remind myself how much you made me feel loved. 

Yes, those three years of being in the gray area was both great and heartbreaking. 

It was great because it was the first time I went on a "date"...fine, first time I went out with a guy friend with only the two of you together. It was the first time I felt really "kilig" everytime you would look at my eyes.It was the first time I felt like I belonged to a couple.

It was heartbreaking because I never really knew if we were an "us" or a "you and I". It was heartbreaking because you never said you loved me or liked me but you acted that you did. It was heartbreaking because I didn't know where I was supposed to be. 

The three years passed by so fast and yes, they were full of memories. First dance. First gift. First movie date. A lot of firsts. But then, maybe I did get tired too. 

I got tired of waiting for you to confess to me. I know your actions might have said enough but then, without any verbal reassurance, I wouldn't believe. I got tired of holding on. I got tired of boxing myself in the "us" image. 

But yeah, than you for all the good and bad times during those three years. It will forever be in my heart. 

And yes, when I return home, I honestly don't know how to respond to our friends who will definitely ask about "you and me". I also wouldn't know how to act around you. Honestly now, I'm hoping that we won't be seeing each other on my first Sunday back home. Honestly, I ain't ready to see you yet. Not now that I've declared to myself that I've moved on. 

Nope, I won't be deleting this blogpost anymore, I swear. Even if I will be able to read this over and over again, I am prepared to read this again. 

And yes, I really do hope that this will be the last time I will be writing about you.